Boromir, Faramir, and a Thing Called Love
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: Faramir and Boromir discover a few questions they had about FanFiction. Contains a Mary-Sue, a self-insert, and weird humor. NO SLASH. R


A/N: ONE-SHOT. It's basically something I just thought up now. Enjoy! Makes fun of a lot of FanFic aspects: slash, Mary-Sues, self-inserts, etc. Trying not to cause anyone to yell at me, I mean, it's supposed to be funny…

**Summary: **Ok. So, this is before the War of the Ring and all that. Basically, Faramir discovers something and asks Boromir to help him. No, it is NOT SLASH, you sickos.

**Disclaimer: **Nope, don't own LotR, Boromir, or Faramir (though I wish I did).

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**Boromir, Faramir, and a Thing Called Love**

"Boromir…" Faramir whispered, prodding Boromir with the blunt end of a sword.

No response. Boromir turned over and snored.

"Men," Faramir sighed. "Wait…never mind. Boro_mir_."

No answer. Boromir muttered in his sleep and drooled on the pillow.

"Eew, that was SICK! BoroMIR!"

Still nothing. Faramir sighed and walked over to a chest that is sitting in the corner of the room. He rummaged through it and pulled something out, held it behind his back, walked over to Boromir, took a deep breath…and sounded a few blasts with the Horn of Gondor.

"HOLY FLYING MONKEY!" Boromir screamed. He rolled out of the bed and stared at Faramir.

"Boromir, I never knew you slept in boxers!"

"Shut UP, Faramir, or you'll be sleeping with the fishes," Boromir growled.

"I'll choose to overlook that…" Faramir muttered. "Anyway, Boromir, the reason I woke you up is because—"

"You have a death wish?"

"No, because I discovered something."

"What? In case you didn't already know, yes, Eowyn is cheating on you with Grima." Boromir said.

"That's not—wait. Who's Eowyn? Why do I care? And who is Grima?"

"Sorry. I'm going through my usual morning 'flash of foresight'. Anyway, you were saying something?"

"Yeah, Boromir…Uh, I discovered this thing, and I've only experienced it once before…"

"I could say something totally sick and obscene having to do with your masculinity, but I think I'll pass," Boromir laughed.

"No! Boromir, it's not THAT, you fruit. It's a thing called…love." Faramir said. Suddenly, the lights dim (even though they were out before), and "My Immortal" starts playing.

"Holy CRAP, Faramir, you can't be saying—"

"I'm afraid it's true…"

"FARAMIR! For Eru's sake, I AM YOUR BROTHER! This goes beyond 'brotherly love'! Ok, WAY BEYOND! ABOVE AND BEYOND!"

"What are you talking about?" Faramir asked.

"Well, obviously you were building up to the delivery line. I mean, every good profession of love has a few standards: the compliments, the anticipation, and then the delivery. See, now, your compliment was obviously _'Boromir, I never knew you slept in boxers!'._ Then the Anticipation part was the _'Yeah, Boromir…Uh, I discovered this thing, and I've only experienced it once before…'_ thing. And then the delivery was the _'It's a thing called…love…'_ part. Am I right or am I right?" Boromir asked, pulling down a sheet from the ceiling. An overhead projector had been sitting in the corner all along, and Boromir's whole dialogue is displayed on the sheet, illustrating the points of professing love.

"Boromir, I'm not talking about you…"

"Well, then, why are you sitting on my bed and looking at me…stop giving me that look!"

"Ok, Boromir, if you'd let me finish a sentence, I'd explain." Faramir said pointedly.

"Ok, fire away." Boromir said, staring at Faramir concernedly.

"Well, it all began one day in Ithilien…" Faramir said, as a flashback starts.

**(Start Flashback)**

"Hey…captain…captain! CAPTAIN!"

"Wha? I'm up…I think…" Faramir moaned, sitting up. Or, at least, that's what he would have done if there weren't someone sitting on him.

"Oh, Captain, thank _heavens_ that you're all right!"

"Why on earth is someone _sitting_ on me?" Faramir groaned, looking at the person who was sitting on him.

The person had hair like midnight ("Still isn't as good as mine," Faramir scoffed, thinking of his (Luscious) raven hair (or brown, if you're in the movie)), eyes like frost ("Wouldn't that mean that they're _blind_?" Boromir asked pointedly. "Shut up and stop interrupting my flashback!" Faramir said), and skin like alabaster ("Ala-what?" Boromir asked).

("As I said before…" Faramir mutters.) The person had hair like midnight, eyes like, well, ok, steel, and skin like alabaster. Faramir was puzzled. Surely, no man ever had a complexion like that! Or hair as shiny! Well, maybe Legolas did, but Faramir didn't know about Legolas.

"Who are you?"

"Oh, no one, captain, just one of your…er…guards?" the 'Guard' offered.

"Why are you in a dress?" Faramir asked. Indeed, the person sitting on him was in a black crushed pane dress, with a rather low neckline and a sash. For some odd reason, Faramir was reminded of a dress that a certain Elf named Arwen had worn when she was mourning for Aragorn. However, Faramir had no idea who Arwen or Aragorn were, but nonetheless, the feeling stayed in his head.

"Because I'm a cross dresser?" the 'guard' offered, batting 'his' eyelashes at Faramir.

"No you're not! I mean, come on, you do have a rather...curvy...figure," Faramir said.

"Oh, it's no use pretending anymore! I'm not your guard; I'm your lover! All these years, I've watched you ride off to Ithilien and my heart has broken! I knew I had to follow you this time, so I did! My lord, please, I beg of you, do not send me from your side!" The woman said, sighing dramatically. Faramir was found staring into her eyes as she moved her face, beautiful though it was, towards his. "Lest I pine away with grief for you!"

"Ok…" Faramir said, looking at the woman. Her hand ran over the slight stubble that ran over his jaw line. Faramir found himself hopelessly in love with her, and kissed her passionately.

**(End Flashback)**

"Holy Guacamole, Faramir! If I'da known it was someone like that…I mean, quite literally she's a keeper!" Boromir chuckled. "So when're you getting hitched?"

"Uh…Boromir, I can't love her…" Faramir muttered, his face clouding in concentration.

"Why the freakin' Mordor not?" Boromir asked. "Fine figure on that one…"

"Because, my brother, she's actually the child of Denethor of Gondor and Finduilas of Dol Amroth. Any of those names ring a bell?" Faramir asked.

"Hey, aren't those our parents?"

"EXACTLY! Boromir, this qualifies as INCEST!" Faramir yelled.

"So? Just move to Harad! The whole 'Brother-Marries-Sister' thing is totally tolerated there." Boromir said.

"Boromir, I'll have you know that I was just kidding." Faramir muttered.

"So, what? The lovely attractive woman with the wonderfully curvy figure and, er… Nice…assets…was a lie?" Boromir asked.

"Sicko. I'll have you know that I was looking at her face and not her…ah…" Faramir said, blushing.

"Hey, stop the blushing. All that blood going to the face means trouble down south." Boromir laughed, slapping his brother on the back.

"Eew! That was disturbing!" Faramir screeched, looking at Boromir.

"So, was that girl real or fake?"

"Well, the part about her being our sister was fake, I think. But the girl's real."

"So how'd you meet her?"

"She inserted herself into this story."

"How on earth do you do that?" Boromir asked. "Can I be inserted into this story?"

"Boromir, you're already _in_ the story." Faramir said.

"How do you know so much about things like this?"

"She told me." Faramir said, shrugging.

"Right, because you threatened her or something," Boromir asked.

"Uh, no."

"What? You two had...yeah...right out in Ithilien?" Boromir asked, shocked.

"If you count making out..."

"You better not have taken her virtue…"

"Ok, Mr. Chivalrous Knight Poser, I did not, so you can stop talking about taking away people's virtue. Everything that happened there was morally ok."

"Stop covering for yourself, you know you wanted to scr—" Boromir started.

"BOROMIR! For heaven's sake, there are CHILDREN reading this!"

"How do we get children reading something like this?"

"It's a free country?"

"Hmm. Good point, Brother. So, know that I know all about your little 'lust affair'…" Boromir cackled.

"This is what happens when I try to talk to you about love! I get sick comments about things that no one really wants to think about!" Faramir said, blushing all over again.

"Except She-Who-Inserted-Herself-Into-This-Story and all your other fan girls," Boromir commented.

"I give up! I think I'll kill myself!" Faramir said, pulling out a knife and aiming it towards his heart. "Farewell, cruel world!"

"Hey, stick around a while, Romeo, you're scheduled to be incinerated about a week after I die."

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A/N: This seemed a lot funnier when I was thinking of writing it. Well, if you liked it, whatever, it's supposed to be funny, but whatever. 


End file.
